Monty Beantipper is 90 years young today a day to celebrate !

Long regarded as the most influential Lowcarber in the world, Monty celebrates his birthday today. From his humble beginnings in Smethwick, the illegitimate son of a Navy stoker and part-time exotic dancer, he rose to international stardom and acclaim. Knighted in 2005 and elevated to the House of Lords in 2008, Monty has never forgotten his roots. When Monty was fourteen his genius was recognised, and he was awarded a scholarship  to Eton. Monty’s time at Eton came to an abrupt end when he was expelled in disgrace for deviant sexual behaviour. When you consider what passes for normal sexual practice at Eton, the mind can only boggle.

Monty drifted around for a while before joining the Navy. Having witnessed widespread deviant depravities amid the seamen, and deeply concerned about his own growing love of amateur dramatics, Monty became suspicious about the effects that the high carb navy rations were having on the crew. The final straw came when a late night session of "poop deck conga" turned particularly nasty, compelling Monty to seek refuge in carbohydrate restriction. With his inclination towards voting Liberal Democrat swiftly cured by ketosis, Monty promptly left the Navy and was eventually washed up on the beach at Lowestoft. From that day forward, Monty's voting habits were staunchly Conservative. The kinky devil.

Monty became known to the world during the spring of 1996. Monty began a full-frontal media blitzkrieg by hijacking a BBC News bulletin and delivering an impromptu rant about the hidden dangers of fructose, immediately followed by a light-hearted sexual assault on Moira Stewart. Then came Monty's brazen snatching of Patrick Moore's monocle during a recording of 'The Sky at Night', which not only provided some much needed publicity for the 'pro-active' low-carb cause, but also served as a direct protest against Patrick's overt fondness for Mr Cadbury's 'Wispa'. However, Monty's love affair with the small screen finally came to an abrupt end in November 1998, when he was punched unconscious, live on air, by an enraged Noel Edmonds, who was riled at having witnessed Monty gate-crash his 'House Party' and assault Tony Blackburn with an aubergine.

Lesser men would have disappeared into obscurity, but fate and destiny had other plans for Monty. While serving a two year stretch in Brixton prison, on a bestiality rap, widely believed as a fit up by the Neasden plod, he teamed up with Rodger ‘Keto Warrior’ Jenkins. Upon release, the pair set about informing the world of the perils of sugar, HFCS and highly processed, high carbohydrate foods. Monty’s work was universally acknowledged when he was rewarded with Time Magazines man of the year award and his Knighthood. Today Monty lives a quiet life in retirement on the south coast and is the chairman of the Wallycorker Trust. 

 Lord Beantipper of Smethwick

The Sun